Want to Fall In Love All Over? Ask Your Spouse These Questions

In troubled marriages, information can seem not like a source of love and power, but a one-way ticket to more misery. After all, the thinking goes, if your spouse revealed what she really thinks or what he really feels, the fallout could be catastrophic. 

Not so fast. A popular article has been making its away around the web, claiming that 36 simple questions can help anyone fall in love. There's real science to back up this claim. Research suggests that simply knowing more about a person can make that person more appealing – even if he or she is your spouse. 

Of course, when you're fighting all the time, asking someone about their dreams for the future can be a recipe for disaster, especially if those dreams don't include you. If you want to explore your spouse's psyche without risking hurt feelings, try asking the following questions. Not only will they help you get to know one another all over again; they may also help you find new ways of relating:

·         What's your best memory of us as a couple?

·         What did you think of me when we first met?

·         What do you think is our biggest strength as a couple?

·         If you could change one thing about our marriage, what would it be?

·         If I could change one behavior tomorrow to make you happier, what would it be?

·         What would you like to change about yourself as a partner?

·         What are your hopes for our future together?

·         How do you think our values and relationship have changed over time?

·         What's the best thing about being married to me?

·         Is there any sexual trick you've been itching to try?

·         What are you most scared of in our relationship?

·         If I could surprise you with anything, what would you want for it to be?

·         What does a perfect day look like for you?

·         Which ways of showing love feel best to you? Gifts? Sex? Favors? Something else?

·         If I could get you any gift in the world, what would you want? Why?

·         If you could travel anywhere, where would it be?

·         What's the sexiest thing I could do for your right now?

Don't stop at just asking questions. Remember, you're exploring your spouse's mind for a reason. Getting to know this person all over again can help remind you why you fell in love in the first place. Even more importantly, though, these simple questions can give you deep insight into what your spouse needs, what he or she wants most from you, and what you can do now to improve your marriage. After all, if you have the power to give your spouse the perfect day, change what bothers him or her most about your marriage, or build upon your greatest strengths as a couple, why wouldn't you? 

Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Your Marriage

Whether you're unsure about sticking it out or are madly in love, finding new ways to give your spouse a giddy rush of glee is no easy task. Making your spouse feel good is a key to marital happiness, since happy spouses are nicer, more cooperative, and much more likely to be nice in return. If you need a quick marital boost, try one of these easy solutions.

Encourage Your Spouse to Talk About Himself or Herself

A cardinal truth about life is that everyone loves talking about themselves. Get your spouse to open up by asking him or her specific questions, then intently listening to the answers. Don't be afraid to ask a follow-up question to poke around in your spouse's psyche a bit more. Sometimes all it takes to stoke desire and boost intimacy is feeling heard.

 Help Out Around the House

Need to stoke the fires of desire? Try a little choreplay. Especially for women, getting help from a partner can help quell anxiety and stoke passion. Don't just put away a few dishes, though. Do a thorough cleaning, and make sure the work you do is up to your spouse's standards – not your own.

Show Unconditional Love and Affection

Why get married if you can't count on being loved even when you're unlovable? Sometimes all a spouse needs to warm up to you yet again is a little TLC. Reach out and hug your spouse when he or she is stressed. Leave a nice note in her briefcase, or offer him a back massage. The key here is to do so without expecting anything in return, and to continue with your kindness even if you're met with attitude at first.

Do Your Spouse's Favorite Thing

Everyone has something they love. Whether it's scouring garage sales at the crack of dawn on Saturday, attending a local orchid show, or going for a drive in the country, deep down you know what your spouse loves doing (and if you don't, you should ask). Commit to doing your spouse's very favorite thing for an hour, a few hours, a day, or even a weekend. Bonus points if you plan the entire event yourself.

Surprise Your Spouse

Surprises are inherently sexy because they get your heart racing. If you're desperate to get your spouse's attention and eager to reignite the passion of desire, a surprise may be the very best thing you do for your marriage. Just make sure you surprise your spouse with something they love – not, say, a complicated meal that he or she has to clean up when it's over! A bouquet of flowers, a surprise date, even promising to plan a trip together can all work wonders, not to mention get you out of the dog house.

You and you alone have the power to save your marriage. Don't wait for your spouse to step in and do something, and don't hope things will magically get better. Do something today so you can have a happier tomorrow. 

Can an Abuser Change?

A quarter of all women will experience domestic violence during their lifetimes, and nearly three million men have been assaulted by a romantic partner. Despite its stigma, domestic abuse is depressingly common. What's often left out of the dialogue about domestic abuse, though, is that domestic abusers aren't just monsters with whom a victim lives. They're people who, at one time or another, the victim loved. Leaving an abuser requires immense courage, but also demands that you go through the intense pain of a breakup. Consequently many victims are hopeful that their abusers will change. The depressing truth is that most won't, but this doesn't mean change is always impossible. 

Understanding the Cycle of Abuse

Many victims point to the ability of the abuser to be kind, loving, and extraordinarily gentle as evidence that he doesn't really “mean” the abuse. The reality is that this behavior is a classic sign of abuse. Most experts on domestic violence argue that there are three distinct phases to the abuse: the act of battering itself, which is followed by a honeymoon period during which the abuser will do anything to get the victim to stay. After a while, tension begins building again, and this third and final stage eventually leads to more abuse.

The hard truth is that periodic kindness does not mean your abuser will change. Instead, it suggests that he can control his behavior when necessary, which means he's using abuse to control you. This does not offer much hope for redemption.

 Can an Abuser Change?

• Domestic violence is not inevitable. There is not an abuser gene, and even the angriest of people can control themselves. This means that, theoretically, a domestic abuser can change. The real question is whether or not he will. For victims of domestic violence, safety needs mean that it's necessary to leave the abuser until he's ready to change. Don't consider taking him back until he's shown the following signs of willingness to change:
• Remorse for his actions that includes complete acceptance of responsibility. You cannot induce someone to behave abusively by nagging him, belittling him, or otherwise upsetting him.
• A commitment to understanding why he abuses you.
• A willingness to respect your boundaries and safety. If you need to move out for a while, he should understand that you're doing this for your safety. If he tries to manipulate you into ignoring your own boundaries, then he's engaging in an elaborate ruse, not dedicating himself to changing.

 What's the Right Approach for Domestic Violence?

Many couples trapped in a cycle of domestic violence seek out couples counseling, but couples counseling will not stop abuse. Indeed, couples counseling can compound the problem because such counseling works according to the premise that both spouses share a role in the problem. Violence is solely the fault of the abuser. While you may have problems that marriage counseling can address, your abuser will need to attend counseling specifically designed for abusers until he can stop abusing you. Then you can pursue couples counseling. While your abuser goes through counseling, it's a wise idea to pursue your own counseling so you can explore whether this is a relationship worth continuing. 

If you are currently being abused, don't waste time debating whether the abuser can change. Get help immediately by calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Five Things You Can Do Right Now to Improve Your Marriage

Whether your marriage is in trouble or you're just dealing with the normal ups and downs of coupled life, it's easy to see what your partner is doing wrong. It takes two to create a problem, though, so looking at your own role in your marriage is key to getting back on track. You're the only component of your marriage you can control, and when your behavior changes, your spouse's actions may change for the better, too. 

Make Time for Physical Affection

Research has repeatedly shown that the simple act of kissing your partner every day can work wonders for a marriage. It's easy to get caught up in the daily grind, but physical affection outside of the bedroom can help solidify your connection. Kiss your partner every day, and reach out to touch him or her as much as possible. Offer massages and hugs, and maybe a gentle rear pat as your partner walks by.  

Apologize – and Mean It

After years of marriage, it's easy to hang on to resentment as if it's some sort of investment that will eventually pay out a massive yield. But hanging on to resentment only makes you both feel miserable. Apologizing doesn't mean giving up your power. Instead, apologizing when you're wrong is the first step toward rebalancing your relationship. Don't shy away from apologizing. Doing so not only makes your spouse feel more valued, but can help encourage him or her to take responsibility when you're the victim and they're in the wrong.  

Change Your Perspective

Years of conflict can make you totally intractable, but stubbornly clinging to your own viewpoint is the very worst way to improve your marriage. Instead, commit to taking your partner's perspective at least once a week. Sit down and actually contemplate what your partner's day is like, how your behavior appears to him or her, what stresses he or she is facing, and where your relationship is lacking from your partner's perspective. Doing so can make your partner more sympathetic while encouraging you to make healthy changes.

Do Something Nice

Sometimes years of marriage make it easy to forget the most obvious advice of all: do something nice for your partner. It doesn't have to be big or expensive, but a small act of love each day can steadily move you back toward happiness. Try sticking a sweet note in your wife's purse, straightening your hubby's tie, or offering a quick back massage. Kindness tends to breed more kindness, so don't be surprised if your acts of love encourage your spouse to begin taking positive steps of his or her own.  

Ask Your Partner Meaningful Questions

Some relationship experts believe that simply asking the right questions can lead to lasting love. By asking your partner to share more about himself or herself, you show your love and concern. And when you listen, your partner will feel more valued. Feel free to ask anything that's not accusatory, but this list of 36 questions for lasting love is a great start. 

Think You Want a Divorce? Five Signs You're Not Really Ready

You've probably heard the depressing statistics that 50% of marriages fail, but the truth is that divorce rates are falling, particularly among Millennials. Four decades of skyrocketing divorce rates have taught Americans that breaking free of a troubled marriage may not be all it's cracked up to be. Indeed, if you have children, you'll likely be stuck dealing with the same issues you once faced while married – but without the security that comes with a lifetime commitment. It's easy to convince yourself that divorce is the escape hatch to a better life, but more than half of divorced couples regret their decision. Here are five surefire signs that you're not yet ready to divorce. 

You Want to Teach Your Spouse a Lesson

If you think filing for divorce will be a wake-up call that encourages your spouse to finally do right by you, think again. Filing for divorce will likely activate your spouse's defenses, and may even permanently destroy your marriage. Divorce is not a bargaining chip, and using it as such is almost guaranteed to backfire.

 You're Jealous

If you can't stand the thought of your ex being with another person, ask yourself whether you're really ready to get divorced. Divorce is not a way to resolve disputes; it's a permanent separation that requires you to fully let go of your spouse. If you're not prepared to do that, then you still love your spouse. And that means there's still hope for your marriage.

 You Hope You'll Stay Friends

Sure, the prospect of completely losing touch with someone who's played such a valuable role in your life can feel scary. Divorce, though, means giving up control. If you're willing to do anything to stay in touch with your spouse, then put that energy toward saving your marriage instead. Once you're divorced, there are no guarantees that you'll stay in touch.

 You're Planning a Big Fight

If you're planning to milk your spouse for every penny he or she has, ruin your spouse's relationship with your kids, or otherwise engage in a massive legal brawl, consider your motivations. Fighting from a place of vengeance not only wreaks havoc on your marriage; it will also exponentially increase your stress levels. If you want to wage war on your spouse, this signals that your connection and your emotions are still strong. Put that energy into saving your marriage and you'll be happier a year from now than you will be if you accrue hundreds of thousands of dollars in legal bills trying to destroy your ex's life.

You Haven't worked On Your Marriage

If you're sick of being married, thought you'd have fewer conflicts, or have some other amorphous reason for divorcing, it's time to take a long, hard look at your motivations. Marriage takes work, to be sure, but that work pays off in the form of greater happiness and a lifelong connection. If you haven't spent some time in therapy, explored your own behavior, or dedicated yourself to better communication, you haven't given your marriage a chance to succeed. 

Things to Know Before You Divorce: How Divorce Affects Children

Marriage isn't easy, as anyone who's ever checked out divorce statistics – or been married – can attest. But when you promised “till death do us part,” you didn't mean “till inconvenience do us part.” Divorce has real consequences, and children can suffer immensely when their parents divorce. Often, the worst effects linger for years or even decades after the divorce. Unless you're being abused and until you've given your marriage every chance you can – including extensive and intensive therapy – it's time to critically evaluate the myriad ways divorce can harm your children. A near-avalanche of studies has shown that divorce carries, at minimum, the following costs for children:

• Children of divorce are more likely to get divorced as adults.
• Children whose parents divorced are more likely to smoke, drink, and abuse drugs.
• Divorce increases the odds that a child will drop out of high school, lowers the probability that a child will attend college, and greatly affects children's ability to learn and get good grades.
• Children of divorce have worse social skills than children whose parents stay together. Given that social support can help children weather the storm of divorce, this statistic is particularly startling.
• Divorce affects children's ability to learn math. Unlike some other subjects, such as social studies, learning in math is cumulative. This means that, if your child doesn't do well in second-grade math, he'll probably continue to do poorly in third grade without additional help.
• Children of divorce are almost twice as likely to develop health problems. Especially noteworthy is the fact that children whose parents divorced experience an elevated risk of stroke and heart attack for the rest of their lives.
• Divorce greatly increases a child's vulnerability to depression, generalized anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder.
• One in 10 children of divorce engage in criminal behavior.
• One in eight children of divorce contemplate suicide.
• Children whose parents divorce face a permanently disrupted childhood. They're forced to deal with custody fights, one parent badmouthing the other, and endlessly shuffling back and forth between their parents' homes. They may have to deal with different rules and friends at each house, in addition to feeling obligated to mediate parental disputes.
• Children whose parents divorce die, on average, five years earlier than children whose parents opted to stay together; it may be that the cumulative effects of stress increase the likelihood of developing deadly health problems late in life.
• Children of divorce are more likely to engage in aggressive and angry behavior. Boys whose parents divorce are more likely to abuse their partners and their children.
• Divorce teaches children that problems cannot be solved, which makes dealing with a host of challenges feel more daunting and more overwhelming to these kids.
• Children of divorce are more likely to develop self-esteem issues. These issues can, in turn, give way to serious health problems, such as self-mutilation and eating disorders.

With this being the case, it is worth being sure that you thoroughly evaluate whether you move forward with a divorce when you have children.  Although there is a time and a place for divorce, as long as there is not physical or emotional abuse it is always worth taking the time to meet with a marriage counselor before calling it quits.  For more information about how to avoid divorce, see www.StayMarriedFLorida.com. 

How To Date Your Spouse

If you're like most people involved in long-term relationships, you probably long for the romantic spark you once felt. Maybe you're not sure why the spark is gone. Or perhaps, like many people, you blame your spouse. The truth, though, is that your life was much different when you first met your spouse. And like most newly-dating couples, you probably did much to impress one another. With the changes of time, the challenges of a shared life, and the inevitable frustrations of living together, romantic love can steadily shrivel until there's nothing left. By dating your spouse as you did once upon a time, you can relive the early days of your relationship and get back that spark you thought was long since gone.

Romance Your Spouse

When was the last time you took flowers to your spouse? If you can't remember, you've got a serious problem on your hands. To have romance, you have to offer it, whether you're a man or a woman. Commit to three months of romance, and you may be surprised to see how happy you end up feeling in your relationship. Some things to try:

• Dress in a way you know your spouse loves. And listen to your spouse's beauty and fashion advice (so long as the tips aren't mean-spirited or unreasonable, such as demands to lose weight). Is your wife begging you to get your hair cut? Do it. Hubby ready to see your hair long again? Put down the scissors.
   
• Do something nice for your spouse every single day. No exceptions and no excuses.
   
• Commit to a weekly date night, and put it on your calendar; we take our commitments more seriously when they're written down, and research suggest that date nights really do work.
   
• Give your spouse small gifts, such as flowers or candy, once per week. Strapped for cash? Try picking flowers outside, giving your spouse a back rub, or even writing a weekly love letter.  

Get to Know One Another (Again)

In the early days of your relationship, you probably talked about everything imaginable – values, goals, sexual desires, plans for the future. As you've gotten to know one another, though, you've probably begun taking basic facts about your spouse for granted. Knowledge about one another is the cornerstone of intimacy. Want to get to know one another all over, reliving the mystique of those first intimate conversations? Try working your way down this list of questions.  

Do Something Adventurous

In the early days of your relationship, that “spark” you felt was actually a pang of anxiety. As your certainty about your relationship has grown, though, the spark has likely waned. Studies suggest you can get it back by experiencing the anxiety of adventure together. Capitalize on the gorgeous year-round climate in South Florida and go water skiing, snorkeling, scuba diving, or hiking. When you face – and surmount – unfamiliar challenges together, the challenges of marriage suddenly seem less daunting – and perhaps even a little fun. 

Four Free and Low-Cost Ways to Have Your Best Valentine's Day Yet

For couples who've been together for years or decades, it's easy for Valentine's Day to lose the sense of magic it once offered. And if you've gotten in trouble for “failing” at Valentine's Day before, you might see the day as little more than a manufactured holiday designed to make you feel terrible about your relationship. But step back and pause before you go casting too much judgment on this unassuming holiday. Romantic days are what you make them, and a good relationship centers around taking time to celebrate one another, indulge in a little romance, and depart from the humdrum boredom of everyday life. Even if you're strapped for cash, you can enjoy this most romantic of holidays. Even better, you can recycle some of these ideas when your anniversary rolls around.

Write a Love Letter

In an era of text messages and emails, it's probably been years since you've sat down, put pen to paper, and explained why you love your spouse. And if your relationship came of age in the digital era, you might never have written him or her a love letter. Take some time to do it, now. Not only will the love letter leave your partner feeling deeply loved; it can also remind you of why you're together, improving your own attitude about your relationship.

Chronicle Your Relationship

Research suggests that reliving the good times in your relationship can help you get through the tough times. Try chronicling your relationship in the form of a scrapbook, illustrated story, or even a song. The time you spend thinking about the past may give you insight into the present, and the thought that goes into such an undertaking can leave even the most unromantic of partners breathless.

Create a Picture-Perfect Homecoming

When asked about their biggest sources of stress, both adult men and women overwhelmingly respond that housework, cooking, childcare, and similar undertakings figure prominently. Give your partner a stress-free night where you've taken care of everything. Clean the house till it's immaculate. Send the kids to their grandparents. Cook a gorgeous and tasty meal, and then cover the bed or the bath tub with rose petals. Even the most harried and exhausted of spouses will appreciate your efforts, and the relaxation offers the sort of marriage reset that can help even troubled relationships improve.

Recreate Your First Date

If you both need a reminder of why you first fell in love, consider recreating your first date. Focus on the small details – where you went, where you sat, even what you wore. Not only does this show that the memory matters to you all these years later. Such an approach can also help stoke the passion you once felt. And if you play your cards right, you may just find that your spouse is as enamored of you as he or she was the day you first laid eyes on one another.